Send the Pain Below
by Broken Blackk Dahlia
Summary: Karkat struggles to accept Gamzee's relationship with Tavros. After wondering what the tightness in his chest meant for so long, he comes to a painful revelation. 4Chords AU. Humanstuck. GamTav. GamKat.


**So this is my first time writing anything for Homestuck... .w. Don't judge me too hard if it sucks. The original idea for the 4Chords AU belongs to Emi (averyniceprince on tumblr). Uhm. I might write more, but it all depends on the responses I get, if any. .w. I hope you guys like it.**

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_"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."_

_- Neil Gaiman_

**1.**

Karkat slammed his fist into the keyboard of his desktop and spat a long stream of vulgarities, turning away from the screen. He blinked a few times, as if to soothe the burn in his eyes that were bloodshot even more than usual. His stupid roommate still wasn't home at the late hour it was, and – though he hated to admit it- it worried him.

Stinging red hues flicked to the clock in the corner of his desktop screen. "Fuck." he groaned, leaning back in his swivel chair. Thin digits combed through dark locks and dragged down to his temples; the little digital numbers read 05:47. "It's fucking five in the morning, where is that fuckass at?" His angry, raspy voice faltered as the possibilities flooded his mind.

The jackass could have been getting high, having a late-night-early-morning session with the guys in the band, or wandering aimlessly. Karkat couldn't count the number of times he'd had to go out to look for his friend in the early hours of the morning, because he couldn't find his way back to their flat, on both hands. There was the chance of him going to buy his favourite drink before returning home, or picking up more ingredients to make his infamous pies.

Suddenly, a very heart wrenching and distasteful thought came to mind.

_Maybe he's fucking wheelchair boy._

A sadly familiar feeling washed over him. His phone rang in the pocket of his hoodie, but he simply took it from the warmth of the pocket and threw it across the room. The image on the screen, the caller ID – of _him_ – made the red-eyed hacker feel sick. The mobile device thudded into the wall and clattered to the pale wood flooring of his room in some far corner.

He would have to go find it later. Knowing the fuckass that was his roommate, he would call periodically until Karkat would finally pick up, spitting a far from friendly hello.

_ Fuck_.

The paraplegic boy – whose name Karkat could never once remember – had caught his friend's attention some time back. The news of their coupling still had him in a bump, keeping to himself in his room when his roommate would return, to greet him through the door and proceed to ask if he could enter the room. Karkat would let him in and the purple-haired one would pass out on the bed after coaxing him into coming to bed.

The black-haired young man nearly shook now, and the stinging in his eyes was different from before.

It was nowhere near the same as the toll staring at a screen in a blanket of darkness had on him, by far.

"God fucking _damn it_!" he shouted into the silence, voice wavered again. His normally pale face heated with a whirlwind of bubbling emotions.

He didn't care if the neighbours submitted a noise complaint to the office of the apartment complex or yelled at him through the walls, they could go fuck themselves with a knife for all he cared. He was confused with the incomprehensible and very foreign emotions that clouded his senses, and didn't know how to deal with it on his own, and other peoples' bitching wouldn't help him out of the disorder of thoughts.

He gave advice all the time, but had no idea how to take it into consideration when he hit these bumps.

After an hour of ignored calls and mindless things to keep his mind off of he who was calling, familiar clicks of the locks, audible in the silence, travelled to the back bedroom of the flat. Karkat scowled and picked up his discarded headset. No one was online, but he needed an excuse to ignore-

"Hey, Kar."

_Six o'clock in the fucking morning and he was finally coming home._

That damned voice came through the door, just as expected. Karkat fisted the blanket he'd wrapped up in over the hour tightly with one hand, while the other poked out and swivelled the mouse on its pad. The tears that threatened to spill made the strain on his eyes worse again.

Hell, he wasn't even sure why he wanted to cry.

He didn't need Gamzee, that stupid fuckass.

He was tempted to reply, and god fucking damn it, he really wanted to. But he knew he wasn't that special in the eyes of Gamzee. He had what's-his-face, and what's-his-face had him. The little snot was better than him, and, no matter how much he resented the thoughts, Karkat was jealous.

_Jealous._

He mouthed the foreign word briefly and sniffed, glaring at his screen intently. Hell, who was he kidding? He wasn't intent about anything at the time, other than the desperate want to curl up and sleep forever. He wasn't even sure what he was doing anymore. Nothing was good for work and the MMORPG got on his nerves after Gamzee's first call.

After a brief silence, he heard the other's retreating footsteps after a soft thud.

He set down his guitar outside the door and went to remove his makeup in the bathroom.

Karkat sighed and rose his voice loud enough to sound like his usual self; not pitiful, like how he felt. "I thought you were-" he choked up for a second and covered it up with a cough as he rubbed his fingers under his reddened eyes. "... I thought you were staying at your boyfriend's place..." He didn't look up as the footsteps returned to the door.

"Nah, Tavbro's got a big test tomorrow or something. I was just out with the guys."

He was still outside the door. Karkat turned in his place and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. After flipping a shit at Gamzee's more and more frequent absences at home, he eventually gave up on ranting. He usually just ranted about it when he woke, if the other was still at home when that time swung around.

_Tavbro._

Karkat repeated the nickname in his head mockingly before saying, "Whatever. You can come in..." An okay came through the door and it clicked open seconds after. The purple-haired man set his guitar in its normal spot near the foot of their bed and removed all except for his boxers, throwing back the unkempt covers. He flopped down tiredly and pulled the dark sheets and comforter up to his waist.

He propped his head up on one hand and peered through the darkness at his roommate, who was barely illuminated by the light from the computer monitor.

"Come on, Kar... You know I can't sleep without holding onto a motherfucker." he said.

The raven-haired man let out a quiet groan. Just like every night he came home, he wanted him to lay with him, as if everything was okay. It sure the fuck wasn't okay, and Karkat wished that his friend knew that.

"Fine, fuckass." he grumbled in defeat. He stood and dropped the blanket amongst the discarded clothes that littered the floor. Karkat hoped Gamzee wouldn't notice how puffy his eyes were as he walked over and slid into the space next to him with a sigh. Within seconds, tattooed arms had him pulled flush against a warm body. Burning red eyes flicked shut and a strangely contented sound came from the man that held him.

He almost opened his eyes and asked what that was.

Almost asked why he chose Tavros.

_Almost._

What he did, though, was come to a painful realisation; he somehow let himself fall in love with Gamzee, of all people. He should have seen something so wrenching come his way, from the purple-haired musician. _Rejected, friendzoned. _Whatever floats your goddamn boat.

_I fucking hate love._


End file.
